Saturday, December 21, 2013

frustrations

So ever since I saw how my sister was with boys, I swore I would never ever have a boyfriend until I was adamant that I was going to do it properly. Marriage, kids, the works. What I didn't realize was that once I found that person, it wasn't the perfect picture I had conjured up in my head all those years ago. Love and relationships were definitely not what they are cracked up to be of course, but I never thought I would jump into something so blindingly hoping that I was making the right decision based on the fact that he was "nice". Nice although good, does not mean "security, UN-conditional love, and compromise". No way. Nice meant a once broken heart protected by those around him, trust-issues, and whats good for me isn't good for "everybody". Nice meant sharing someone who was expected to please many people at one time, and consider the happiness of people who held up his reputation in the community and reserving precious time for them. Nice was ok, but not "ideal". But I learned to settle with it after a while. After much acceptance of the "nicities" and the way nice works, I decided that if I was to "go along" with it I would have to set myself up with some personal goals to ensure that nice wasn't going to ruin my view of what I never wanted for myself in a relationship. After many trips around the block, and encasing my heart in a wee little box called "protection" (not just for me but for the other person as well), I don't think I can afford to procrastinate over the idea that promiscuity is the best way to avoid breaking hearts and being heart-broken. I put my  heart on the line for nice and I wasn't going to let the butterflies, the strong bouts of happiness, and having him on my mind 24/7 wishing he was there with me go to waste. Why would I let my feelings go THAT far? So I already established that it isn't all perfect in the end, but its better than nothing. Firstly I am very open-minded and have always been seen to be the "rebellious one", always going against the grain and challenging authority wherever I go. When it comes to me speaking my mind there is much left to be desired about my said opinions and they often get looked upon as being "random", "meaningless" and I am often told "not to talk about said topic ever again". Like now nice reads over my shoulder and says I shouldn't talk about this stuff. Perhaps I should write a private diary instead and he can peer into it whenever he feels insecure. But I'm sure by the time he finished reading, I would b faced with the same comment "you shouldn't write about stuff like this, to yourself where no-one else can see it but us", "it is completely inappropriate for your thoughts to fall out onto the floor with complete honesty, so I  can see how you really feel. I do not want to know, because there is no room for compromise with these things, they shouldn't not be talked about. Leave it in your pretty little head to fester like roaches on a stale piece of bread. I will still love you when you go crazy twisting these opinions into less sense than they appear to me now".


This piece if writing is about e protecting myself so i dont regret letting you into my life so when i feel like you are "a loser, and all you want to do is play games like a little boy, and when i feel like i am helping you to find courses you see it as me pressuring you into something you dont want to do" I can come back and read this and remind myself of why I let you into my life in the first place, the "good stuff". because i am not trying to pressure you, at least i thought i wasnt, i thought i was helping you, and if you dont want me to, then dont let me help you with anything if you think i am trying to make you do what you dont want to. tell me that you dont want to do the courses and for me not to waste my time.

Reasons

So I have though up a method really to the purpose of this blog, so basically I am someone who has struggled with mental illness. In 2009 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was 17 and I got all the help I needed and now I'm okay. I'll get into the details some other time. I tend to get very in depth with what is going on in my life and look at reasons why I feel a certain way. After reading some of my blog posts I can actually see the state of mind I was in, and as it happens it changes. I have expectations of the way I want my life to be like and when it "isn't happening" my mind goes on overdrive. I have to write everything down when this happens, no matter if it makes sense or not. I can look at it later, it will still make sense to me and in a way be a nice way of seeing how I was, and where I am at this moment in time. This is a very good thing. I can see if something is still a problem or if I just needed to let it all out at the time. That is the beauty in this blog. One day I will tidy it all up and make it look decent enough for me to actually want to share. So right now its not about how many views I can get, its about me using this as a tool for self-expression. I'm not really a writer, although I have always wanted to be, but sometimes you just have to make do with whats happening. I look at writers being free spirits, and being able to write whatever they want and make it interesting, almost make the reader jealous about the topic, and of course live and do freely, which isn't really whats happening. But some good news is I have learned to let go and accept what is happening in my life, which is I will be leaving my daughter with her Dad and have decided not to expect anything from him but to be a good Dad, which is what he has been doing ever since she was born. How did I do that? You may be asking this because I am actually really uptight when it comes to where i am going in life, for my mental well-being I need a picture, of who may be there, where we are and what I will be doing. It is my security blanket. Although if I keep pushing the issue and asking said people involved in my life what they are going to do and if they are coming with me, to just make a decision, it makes me absolutely wild, if they don't know or they see how anxious I am and instead of asking them to be involved in my life I am actually pushing them away. So I have decided to stop asking, for them to be straight with me and I have stopped asking. I have accepted that I will be going about my journey to becoming a nurse on my own, which saddens me a bit, but its what I ultimately want to do as well. So there you have it, I am just untying the ropes I had that clung to my family. In this modern world you can't really have your cake and eat it too, unless your filthy rich. But it is a wise decision, I have literally sworn off anymore children until I feel like I have conquered the world and not have to actually expect anything from anyone because at the end of the day its just me, myself and I.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Enough

When I can't go to sleep and realize that I have only 5 hours that can be used for sleep. I do not know how the funk I am going to cope when it comes to me doing nursing. Lets just say I will literally sacrifice motherhood and have early mornings no money and have to travel and work and live in places i don't want to be for free for three whole years I really hope that isn't the case. I am unable to sleep simply because my house is a funking mess. it smells like mice and i feel if i don't do something about it i am going to go funking crazy. i spend enough time away from home away from my daughter only to find i have to spend all my time and energy cleaning this stupid funking house and keep up with the maintenance of the budget that doesn't even get followed which i contribute my money to and he gets to keep his money in his pocket and make sure whoever the hell it is looking after my kid is going to feed her the right food and dress her properly when i am at home. Am I the only one that can do these things? What the fuck am I here for really? Part of me is happy that I am going away part of me thinks my life is so pathetic all i am doing is just ignoring all of these things and doing my own thing for my own reasons. i would like to think i am contributing to my family but honestly it feels like shit, i feel like shit all the time, Ive gotten fat despite pregnancy i went to 53kgs after i had my baby now Ive shot up to 60 kg. i am just so sick of living with a lazy motherfucker who has passed down the lazy bug. you know sometimes i just don't funking clean on purpose because i think the smell will get to him but no. fuck honestly we got grands out of our family tax credits and part of me wants to spend it on a professional cleaner. Otherwise I am going to sit up grinding my teeth out of frustration and be the crazy lady that cleans her house at 3am. honestly, i think i just need a flicking holiday away from these people. sure i sound like i don't care about my daughter, but i do, which is also why it is so frustrating that i have things to look forward to and i have to leave her behind for me to do shit. i feel like ending my relationship and hopefully finding someone who wants success just as much as i do and wont make me feel like shit all the fucking time because he is a lazy fat fuck that likes to sit and tinker with computers all day for fucking pocket money. i have had enough, honestly i need a man. this sounds so bad, but i am so afraid that i have grown up, my expectations are of an adult woman with a dependent child and i need a MAN to fit the puzzle. Yes the anxiety is building, and I have to live with the idea my daughter is left with this person who cant do jack shit. I always sound like im never happy but you know what its because i never really do what i need to do or what needs to be done, i get distracted. fuck me days this is the most hardest decision i have ever had to make. I wish i never had a child. It feels like i don't have time for her, i end up messing around with the funking washing or errands or whatever the fuck it is while everybody else has to babysit or whatever. and it fucks me off when other people look after her. i get so stressed out when i come home and im not even treated like her mother. i had to yell at my MOL to give my own child to me, she literally ignores me. honestly next time there will be no yelling but i will probably just punch her in the face. Honestly i wish someone my age knew what the fuck i was on about. Ever wonder why im so damn uptight? well read on because shit is just about to get real. God that felt good to type,, but i wish i could just say it. i think thats the downside of being with someone who cant hear you, you keep it all in, and when people in your life ignore you it just makes it worse, when your own child doesnt listen to you it makes it even worse. God i cannot wait for this summer to come, i need that vitamin D.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

BLACK AND WHITE

 I have found that when you live your life, you work to either help others - or not, there is no "in-between".
 
 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Spring Blues

Since I started this blog I really have't written much, and have completely forgotten the purpose of it, and gone on this 'philisophical-tangent', about life itself, which no-one really wants to read because we all have different opinions about it, and we will never understand life until the day we die! So here is what I would like to write to all of those that actually read this (haha)

Since I started at the Shop I have gotten my restricted and a car, which is just awesome! I am looking at moving on now I have stayed here in Opotiki for nearly eleven months.Not that I feel I have outstayed my welcome, but I know when I am ready to move on. The hardest thing about it is looking for  a place to stay. My mother lives in Rotorua and I love her to bits but  think I'd like to stay on my own. Which is when the hunt for accomodation begins, in which it hasn't really yet, but I shall get there. I would love to stay in the bay area though, just ions, so I am told, and I have no reason to doubt it.of whanau, and of course the educational institutes I have come across which look appealling and they seem like thy will cater to meet my needs. I am looking at the introductory into business which will lead me onto a fairly exciting pathway, that will branch out in many directions.

At the moment nothing is set in stone, and I am jumping at almost every opportunity I come across. I cannot stay at the shop my whole life, it was a good filler for the time I have here so I can study, and I will also look at saving, and budgeting for next year. I have applied for jobs, and studt institutes just so I might be able to gain a little bit more. I am so glad that I realised what I wanted to do after I left school, instead of leaving it until it was too late.

The time I have had in Opotiki, has let me re-learn everything I had forgotten when I was institutionalized, and I am very thankful for all the people that helped me along the way. I just pray to God that I can utilise all my new information to lead a good life, and hope also that if I fall it will not be seen as a fail. It is hard to change all of a sudden and keep old habits at bay. Living in Opotiki has given me an new outlook, and it is very different from my past lifestyle (s), people will never uinderstand what it is like to adjust from such a diverse and messy background.

Gemstone

Friday, November 5, 2010

Oyster anyone?

Constantly I am being reminded of my "youthfullness". With being a youth, it means I have a lot to offer, I know nothing, and I can't be set in my ways because there hasn't been enough time for my "ways" to set. Which means that I am the perfect type of person for older people to put upon their  advice.  I'm sure I have heard the same advice more than once, but it is very much appreciated.
"The world is your oyster. You are young and pretty and smart, don't let it go to waste aye"
So many people have said  that to me. 
 Right now though we find ourselves at that in-between stage where you aren't a kid and then you aren't really an adult either. I like to think in some cases I'm  "kid" , and in others I'm an adult, for example if I was to go out for the night I'd expect not to be waited on, because I am "of age" by law, and whether the people that are meant to be responsible for us like it or not, we are in fact responsible for our own actions, no matter how absurd they may be, we can only save ourselves. 
 In the case where I would be seen as a child or even when it is acceptable, is when I am in a situation where I am out-numbered by people who are older than me. Which usually puts me in a position instantly where my manners are on the money, and I am on my best behaviour, and keep my foul language to a minimum or none at all.I guess this seems to happen to people no matter how old they are.
 It is very hard to let the older adults know what we are faced with when it comes to making decisions about our lifes journey.
 For some of us independance comes naturally, we are not co-dependant, and we can manage pretty well on our own. For the rest of us it is hard to understand the realities of life outside a home environment. We may find it hard to be independant but what we lack in independance we may have strengths in other areas. With the independant ones, we may find a lack of skill somewhere else.
  The thing that comes to my mind is, "I know it is a wonderful thing if you know the oyster has the pearl in it", in reply to 'the world is your oyster....'. And one day I know if I get to be old I will not be pretty anymore, do not be surprised if you hear me agreeing when someone says something nice about my appearance, because I know it doesn't last.



Friday, July 30, 2010

Change of heart



And here she is again: still working in Opotiki at her fifth job (I know it sounds bad, but the previous jobs were seasonal, so they were due to end anyway).


>>Down the road, about five minutes drive and a ten minutes scoot, I work at the local dairy, with my cousin and the family that owns it (btw they aren't indian). 
 It may not be the "high-heel" job that I was hoping for, or I might not be able to comment on someone's, "small-but-not-really-bum", but (haha) I get to serve the locals and meet new people everyday! I think that is time well spent.


Randomly>It is also calving season; I am helping rear a few angus cows and jersey bulls. It is interesting/hard work, and it takes a lot of thought. But you only get to see the result at the end, and so far it has proven to  be a learning curb, and the lesson applies to more than farming.


So I am going to take the opportunity to become a "tourist", in my home city. I want to go clubbing for the first time, and go bowling at the lanes, take a walk back to Te Papa, and see what I can learn. I can go to Civic Square, and have a look at the City Art Gallery, and see what new/old artist has come to show themselves off. I would like to go out to dinner to that restaurant I remember walking past on the way to school, and go onto the waterfront to go rock-climbing. That sounds like a holiday that deserves an itinerary. 


Yes! I am off to Wellington, (but only for the week), and it will be interesting to see how my perspective of things have changed.
  When I was living in Wellington, I didn't do a lot of constructive things; I would work,  go out and get drunk, and do stupid things with stupid people- that was about it. I never really embraced the city I said I loved so much.              


By the way I have gained about 7 kgs, since January this year, which is good. I don't look fat though... which takes me back. Maybe all those chocolate bar/ mag combos were serving their purpose after all...I think I needed a few extra kgs anyway. Which is cool because now I get my mags for free (except the cover, but it's what's on the inside that counts right?).


Yeah Oh, I'm sure I'll go and see some of the people I used to hang out with......but I wouldn't want them to see me in my size ten jeans ;P


That's all for now folks!
Gemstone











Saturday, June 26, 2010

High-heel jobs

Well, it has been a slow year for me, I travelled up to the Eastern Bay, and found myself working for the locals in Opotiki.
I've ventured up here from Wellington to discover and experience "the things I do not want to do with my time".

I have worked in a bar and restaurant, orchards, and given my uncle a hand at plumbing too, except, I don't think cleaning up waste that has come up from the toilet is something I want to do. In fact I do not want to work in a bar, or in an orchard.
At 18 this has proven to be a very valuable lesson.

I want to work in a building filing documents, writing letters, opening mail, receiving and making phone calls & doing research while wearing high heels.
Or even folding clothes, and saying "your bum looks good in those jeans", even though it doesn't, dressing mannequins, making up display windows while wearing high heels.

I'm the type of girl that can sit and read a fashion magazine all-day while eating junk food and not get fat. So why would I want to spent the rest of my days in a place where I feel like I may contract a disease? When I can be out there, quoting July's issue of Cosmopolitan, and seek out what this months 'It' girl wore, for that customer?

Working in a small town like this makes you work out what your potential is, where you feel most comfortable, and what you most enjoy and the reasons for it. You see people who have worked here, slaving away at the job they have been in for years because they have no choice but to be there.I for one do not want to be one of those people.

I now know what suits me, because I definitely know what doesn't.